This Would Never Happen in Ohio

When we lived in Utah we often found ourselves saying, “Only in Utah.” Now that we’re here in Saudi I’m finding myself more frequently thinking, “This would never happen in Ohio.” A few situations to support my thought:

✳After working out and sweating profusely, you take a cold shower and only get warm water. To some who don’t like being cold, this is not a problem. But, for others raised in the Colorado Rockies, cold is often refreshing. However, it’s not pleasing to brush your teeth with warm water (ick) and when your two year old burns herself while helping you bake, it’s frustrating that there’s no cold water to run her hand under. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳When you go to the mall and realize you are outnumbered by men about 10:1. This would never happen in Ohio. (or in any normal mall anywhere!!!!)

✳The sewer truck comes twice a day for an hour each time to pump out…well, you know, and the hole is right outside your house. Ancient Roman civilizations you’ve traipsed through even had some sort of sewage system, but not the wealthy country of Saudi Arabia. You have a few dozen of your favorite scents of wonderful Bath and Body Works Wallflowers that you brought but can’t plug them in because they’re the wrong voltage. You know it’s bad when your two year old is frustratingly trying to plug her ears and nose at the same time (very difficult to do…I’d like to see how many of you are actually trying it at this moment) and repeatedly saying, “Go home, stinky truck. No come my house anymore!” This would never happen in Ohio.

✳When you go to the doctor and are asked how many abortions you’ve had -
“What?”
“How many abortions have you had?”
“Uhh, really? Do you always ask that?”
“Yes.”
“Is that common here?”
“What? How many pregnancies have ended in termination…miscarriage?”
“Oh.” This would never happen in Ohio

✳When going to put something in the trash, a little something catches your eye. You glance up to see a partial lizard carcass hanging out of your kitchen door, seemingly staring at you. Your husband finds it is wedged/smushed between the door and screen door and has to scrape it out. “How in the world did that get there?” Probably your daughter who suffers from scoliodentosaurophobia lured it and slammed the door on the poor thing. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You think you’re like most moms of two year olds who rarely go to the restroom alone. But yours joins you, in sheer mimicry, by sitting on the bedet beside the toilet, pretending to ‘go’ and is very pleased with her fabricated accomplishment. (At least she hasn’t figured out about the sprayer….yet!) This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You’re sitting at a red light waiting for the light to turn with the other three lanes of traffic. It finally turns. Horns start immediately blaring and the car in the far right lane has decided to turn left….that’s if he (I can get away with gender distnction here because women don’t drive) hasn’t already parked his car perpendicular in front of everyone else, waiting for the light to turn so he can hang a left. This gives a new perspective to looking both ways before proceeding. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳The mosquitoes here can be absolutely horrific. You’ve read that malaria can be a threat here. Naturally officials would be concerned about it so they do their part to kill the mosquitoes. Their solution is to smoke the neighborhoods with diesel fuel. Heaven forbid you’re out for a run when this happens. There is no escaping the terrible fumes that plume through the streets and driveways. It is hazardous to go outside for about twenty minutes for fear of inhalation. You wonder what’s worse: dying from malaria or diesel fume poisoning. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳At the request of a family member you decide to make a much-desired lasagna. You gather all the ingredients at the store only to realize you live in a country that doesn’t readily carry/make cottage cheese or ricotta cheese. (Not to mention this means no beloved cottage cheese pancakes, either.) You begin wondering what a goat cheese lasagna would taste like. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳As you’re driving 120 km/hr down the freeway some distance from town you see something making its way quickly across the freeway up ahead. Your husband denotes it is a pack of wild dogs. As you get closer, your entire car gapes at what it really is…a small group of baboons running across the road. Did anyone ever think monkeys live in Saudi Arabia? You’re kick yourself because you don’t get your camera out fast enough because you were too busy being stupefied. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You’re sitting in church enjoying the talk being given, but also trying hard to understand through a Filipino accent. Straining, you find it more and more difficult to understand (Sshhh, Mom is trying to listen!) only to realize somewhere midstream, the speaker switched to Tagalog. Whew! You were starting to wonder if your hearing was going or, worse…your mind! This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You watch as your children learn to be appreciative by witnessing such prolific, abject poverty every time you leave the compound. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You hope your children are learning to be hard workers as they are probably the only children in Jeddah who helped wash their own car today. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You gain a greater respect for freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom in general as people are denied those rights in other countries. This would never happen in Ohio.

✳You hope your children develop a greater perspective living as minorities. This would never happen in Ohio.